51 Ways to Kill Jacob
by CallMeJess5793
Summary: For all of those Jacob haters out there, for the people that want to see Jacob die, in one way or another. you have come to the right place. Hating jacob is a sport here and anyone who wants to see it hear and believe it, is welcome to come on in.
1. Bella gets her revenge

**A/N: This is a FanFic for all of those Jacob haters out there, for the people that want to see Jacob die, in one way or another. There will be a collection of one-shots monologue twilight and its sequels, short stories, all human or not. **

**So if you have ever waned to see Jacob die in one way or another, throw me a suggestion, ill be sure to put it in. **

***I do not own twilight, but I do own all the glorious ways that Jacob will die =P ***

**Set the scene: **Bella has just found out about Jacob imprinting on Renesmee, and she doesn't hold back this time, Nessie is inside oblivious to what is happening, slightly OOC. Continued on from page 449 of breaking dawn.

**Chapter One:**

**BPOV**

I leaned into my hunting crouch and took two slow steps forward towards Jacob.

"you didn't" I snarled at him.

He backed away, palms up looking strangely like a criminal, surrendering to the police.

"Bells, you know its not something I can control."

"you stupid mutt! How could you? My baby!" he backed out the front door now as I stalked him.

"I have held her all of one time, and you think you have some kind of wolfy clam on her? She's mine." I growled, and I would have scarred myself but I was too fixed on one particular park of wolf child's neck.

"I can share" he said pleadingly and retreated across the lawn.

"run while you still can wolf boy" I growled.

"c'mon bells Nessie likes me too" he insisted.

I froze, my breathing stopped.

"what……… did you just call her?"

Jacob took another step back, a sheepish look on his face.

"well, the name you came up with was kind of a mouth full and-"

"you nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?" I screeched.

And I lunged for his throat, but he was too quick and spun around sprinting for the woods, phasing mid air. That would have been cool if I wasn't so ready to kill him.

I chased him through the forest, dodging trees and jumping over logs, I even tried sprinting through the tree tops for a while but that proved more difficult than helpful, and it enabled him to gain some more ground.

I had lost his scent, so I started to slow down.

"Jaaaaacob………… come out, come out, where ever you are." I said with the most evil tone in my voice I didn't even think that it was possible for me to sound like that.

I stated to stalk around the base of the trees, trying to catch a slight mark of his scent when I caught it. It was the smell of…… urine.

The smell was coming for the north, so I started to descend on my prey, I had, had enough of Jacob. It was time to go.

"Jaaaaacob, I can smell you, you don't want to hide from me, because it makes it all the more interesting for me, and all the more painful for you." I cackled my newly acquired evil laugh. I didn't know where it had come from but I liked it.

I heard a rustling in the trees.

"I can hear you, come on Jacob, I know where you are."

There was another rustling, this one being the wind, and on a normal occasion I would have been annoyed for this interruption, but this one time I was grateful, because it brought his scent that my closer to me.

I started sprinting full pelt, wanting that wolves blood on my hands, no matter how controlled I am, he should know better than to mess with a newborn vampire that happens to be a mother as well, he hit the mother load of protective.

As I ran faster and the wind blew harder in my face, I could feel Jacobs scent getting stronger, I was getting closer.

I pushed my new vampire legs harder and harder, I could see the flash of fur coming up closer and closer as I recognised the one and only, Jacob.

I pushed myself harder than I ever had before.

It was a thrill to feel as though I was accomplishing something so divine as protecting my daughter while getting a free meal out of it.

I was getting closer and I could taste victory on my tongue, I was excited to see how this would end. Bring it on.

It was obvious o me that he was not paying any attention on what was going on around him, he just wanted to get out, and fast, to avoid becoming his ex best friends midnight snack. No such luck.

I was so close to him that I could have bitten off his tail.

"hey Jacob." I called out, bringing him to a complete stop, in shock and surprise.

I had him up against a tree with his neck in between my firm grasp.

He was back tis human for, his poor attempt at trying to get back some oxygen.

I smiled at him.

"truce Bella? Please?" he asked, his usually husky voice worse due to my strangling.

I took a look at him, he had a passion in his eyes that I found hard to explain. It was almost like, Fear. I laughed at his pathetic attempt at reasoning with me. But placed him down none the less.

He looked at me thankfully, though the minute he looked into my eyes he knew he was done for.

"fat chance, bucko." and with that I lunged for his neck leaving him paralysed with the pain on my poisonous venom running through his genetically mutated veins.

It was a beautiful sight seeing him laying on the floor imperiless.

It sent a shudder of pleasure up my spine, and with that I made my way back to the house to deliver the good news.

**Dedicated to: Jaq's-out-punching-werewolves, she is my partner in Jacob hating crime.**

**REVIEW **

**And remember, don't forget to give me suggestions, **

**jEss Xxx**


	2. Suicidal

***roses are red violets are blue, I don't own twilight and neither do you* (unless you are Stephenie Meyer)**

**Here is chapter 2. I know that the last chapter is was a little OOC but as I explained when I replied to everyone's reviews, it was out of character for Bella to want to kill Jacob in the first place. So when it came to this it was bound to be a little OOC, anyways thanks to all of you who reviewed. And on with the next chapter **

**Enjoy…**

_**Jacob's POV**_

I was in a slight state of depression right now.

The future seeing bloodsucker has dragged my Bella overseas for some 'shopping' and not to save the stupid shiny Volvo owner, who I despised so much.

I was running at my full capacity, giving it all I had. Jumping from side to side, avoiding trees wherever I was but still trying to get as far away as I could.

Seeing Bella with the bloodsucker everyday killed me, the way that no one would have any concept of.

It was like there was a string tied from one side of my heart threading through all the way out and whenever I saw him with her, saw him kissing her, saw him hold her, it was like someone would come up and yank on that string as hard as they could.

Sometimes I wish that someone would pull on the string hard enough and just pull it out. So that I wouldn't have to see her with him anymore. So I would just keel over already. To put an ending to my suffering.

I was running full pelt, heading more towards the town as I was getting a little hungry but was in more of a mood for human food.

I came up to a town, it was only a small one but they had a diner, just the thing that I was looking for.

_**Bella's POV**_

Alice had dragged me off to England or Paris or wherever, for shopping once again. And as much as I hate shopping, I really didn't mind these little trips over seas to see all these great places. If I had to suffer through a few hours of shopping a day and get given things on top of going to all these expensive and exotic places, then screw it. I didn't have a choice anyway.

How many people do you talk to that have said that they weren't given a choice on weather they were going to Paris to shop for two weeks straight?

On this particular trip we were in Europe, and to tell you the truth I was ecstatic. Europe of all places, and for two weeks, just Alice, me and an unlimited credit card.

_**Jacob's POV**_

I was running as hard as I could as soon as I was out of sight from the humans.

I was getting more and more depressed as I went on, my mood getting lower as I ran.

That is when I felt as if I was no longer alone in my head, and I knew that someone else had phased.

_Hello Jacob!_

_What do you want Sam?_

_Hey don't worry about me, im just trying to get back to Emily as quick as possible. Hey man, don't worry about Bella-_

_don't talk about her! You don't know anything about her!_

_Alright… sorry man, anyway ill leave you too it, im signing out now._

_Yeah whatever… bye_

And like that he was gone.

That was the only thing that I didn't like about being a werewolf.

I was trying to put it all out of my mind.

Trying to forget about it. But when I was coming up to a train track, I was aware that I had to stop, because I wouldn't make it across in time.

That was when I was feeling my lowest and decided that it was time. I couldn't take the emotional pian anymore.

_**Bella's POV**_

We were only about 20 miles away from our destination. The announcer had just made that clear on the intercom.

Alice and I were getting our things ready, just tidying up the things that we ourselves were going to have to drag off, we had after all spent the last 40 hours on the train and I was still in need of my human hours, so I made a little mess.

Just as I was nearly done packing everything up the train was coming to a screeching halt, and I could do nothing but panic.

Just before we stopped there was a loud bang and I was caught off guard as this bang was the cause of our immediate halt. But what surprised me more was the fact that Alice did not see this coming.

I looked at her and she seemed to have the same kind of thing running through her head.

We were at a stop and we managed to get ourselves off of our first class carriage to have a look at what had happened.

When we got there, there was a russet skinned boy that had a surprising resemblance to a certain russet skinned werewolf that I knew. That was when all had hit home.

Jake must have left home when I told him about my trip, and follower me here.

That would explain why Alice hadn't seen it all coming.

I walked up to his body in front of the train and crumpled next to him. Crying all over him and sobbing one constant word.

"Jake"


	3. Cliff Jumping

***I don't own twilight* **

**So here is chapter 3 people, and yes I promise you that I am trying to make them a little less serious though my good fanfic friend Jaq's-out-punching-werewolves would say that killing Jacob is only something that you 100% seriously lol and as much as I would love to agree and I do but this is for all of you and not just Jaq so sorry Jaq, though I still love you lol.**

**Set the scene: in NM when going to save Bella when she is cliff diving.**

_**Jacob's POV**_

Walking up the hill to find Bella getting ready to jump was both prideful and shit me scary. She was coming back from the leeches grasp quickly and firmly but it was scary seeing the confidence that she was working up, and I was beginning to possible, maybe Worry? I had never had this feeling before so I don't know exactly what it is.

I am almost there when she… jumps. And my heart just about falls out of my chest.

"NOOOO!!!" I scream though I don't know why.

All of a sudden my feet take over and I couldn't control my running, I just kept going until I found myself leaping off the edge of the cliff.

_**Sam POV**_

I was going for a mid afternoon run, just trying to clear my head of all of this Bella and Jacob stuff and then all of the new wolves, it was becoming quite a handful.

Why can't the filthy bloodsuckers just stay where they belong?

When I was coming to the top of one of the few cliffs around la push and Forks. And saw Jacob jumping off of the cliff after a rapidly falling Bella.

But just to the right there were large hurricane winds forming and I could see one heading straight for Jacob.

I ran to the edge of the cliff and saw Bella hit the water. Just as Jacob was coming to the middle of the cliff face the huge hurricane winds blew straight at him and sent him… splattering right into a… rock, I had never seen one of us like that, and I knew that there would be no recovering, he was just mush and small pieces of bone and fluff, all over a not so conveniently placed boulder.

I had no choice but to dive in after Bella, she would drown falling from this height without me, we would just have to deal with a not so living Jacob later.

_**Alice POV**_

Just as I was packing the car with the latest chopping bags from one of my trips I was sucked into a vision.

What I saw was the most shocking thing I had ever seen and almost broke my heart, well that was until I found out what it was about.

Bella was sobbing on the ground absolutely socking wet, and hunched over a… blood covered boulder?

Then I heard something.

"Oh Jake, why did you have to be swept up by hurricane winds and smothered against a boulder? Why did you have to die?"

Jacob the feral was… DEAD!!!

Wait till the other hear about this.


	4. The Closet

**Chapter Three: Closet**

**Disclaimer: Monkey see monkey do. Monkey read, Monkey don't own.**

**A/N: Here's chapter three for you all to enjoy. Again this will be OOC and contain some weird stuff that will not happen in real life. Haha what am I on? Vampires can't happen in real life either. This is **_xx-twilight7-xx_** helping **_LOVE-LIVE-TWILIGHT_** write chapter. Have fun reading the newest one shot.**

**Jess: That don't mean that I didn't have anything do to with the chapter… lol**

**Jacob's POV**

My life is seriously boring at the moment. The stupid Bloodsucker had come back into Bella's life again meaning I had been ditched by Bella for him. Didn't our awesome Cliff Diving mean anything? Oh wait... she almost drowned while cliff diving. Oops... my bad.

I have to get away from the pack. We were at Sam and Emily's house having a barbeque and playing UNO. Why play UNO when you're a werewolf?

"OMG guys I win!" Embry cried out as he placed his last card down.

"No you didn't you loser. You didn't say UNO when you only had one card left," Quil corrected him.

Oh I can see a massive fight about to break out.

"Wanna fight about it?" Embry challenged Quil.

"Bring it on like a sausage!" Quil replied.

A sausage? Really guys.

"I'm out of here," I called out to the pack.

"Just be back before sundown. You know what happens at sundown," Emily called to me.

"What the hell happens at sundown?" I asked.

"That's when the werewolves come out!" she said in a ghost tone.

"We are werewolves," I stated.

"Oh. Well come back whenever," she said and busied herself by making chocolate muffins.

Where to go. Where to go, I thought. There's only one place that Bella could be. The Bloodsuckers mansion in the middle of nowhere.

Off I go!

**Alice's POV**

Oh oh. Vision alert. I foresaw... static? Damn that. I bet Emmett has fiddled with the stupid satellite dish on top of the house. Or it could mean that a werewolf was coming.

I think it's the latter.

Wait... I HAVE A PLAN! Must get Rose in on this too.

"ROSE! I need you to come up here!" I yelled to her from Jasper and my bedroom.

I heard the click of her heels coming up the stairs.

"What do you want dear sister?" she said leaning on the door frame.

"Only your assistance in helping dispose of a little doggie problem," I replied back evily.

Rose caught on and smirked. "At your service."

We worked on my plan for the next five minutes making and putting up signs for Jacob to follow. Lucky it was only us home. I have absolutely no clue where the rest of the family including Bella disappeared to. Oh right, Seattle.

We heard Jacob step onto the front steps. Lights, camera, action!

**Jacob's POV**

I was at the front door. MWAHAHA. I wonder if it's unlocked. I tried the knob.

It was.

Funnily enough no one seemed to be home. Geez what retards. Who the hell leaves freaking front door unlocked. Any old rapist, old man, or even werewolf could just waltz in.

I bet myself ten million dollars that Bella is upstairs!

Walking up the stairs I noticed a sign that read 'Bella Swan is in Alice Cullen's room. Follow the yellow brick road'.

I looked down. The floor was paved in yellow bricks. Wow this is so weird and convenient!

Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road, I hummed to myself until I reached to the end. Which was a REALLY big closet in the pixie bloodsuckers room. There was another sign on the door. " Bella Swan is in here!"

I must rescue Bells! I opened the door. ARGH so much pink!

"Come out come out wherever you are!" I yelled into the closet.

No reply.

"I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow this closet down!" I yelled again. Oh yeah. I'm the Big Bad Wolf.

Again no reply.

"I'm coming in!" I shouted and then stepped in. Oh shit. I was just engulfed by the big closet. I won't be able to get out... ever!

**Alice's POV**

"Mission successful!" I said and high fived Rose. Jacob Black will never be seen again!


	5. Visions Back

Alice had dragged me off to go shopping, before the wedding. Something aboutnew clothes for when I'm changed and for the honeymoon, yeah right, she probably just wanted to use an excuses for taking me to Paris and then to London!

Right now we were traveling to London on the Euro star train. When she had told the others where we were going, Rosalie had asked the question of how we were traveling between the two. So Alice told her, Emmett who was in the room at the time had no idea that there was a train that could go underwater.

He was shocked to say the least of it. Once Edward had told him in simple terms about the train he understood it. I think he used the terms "really fast train, goes up to 300km/h. He understood after that.

So we were traveling underwater at the moment, with the whole carriage to ourselves and Alice's shopping bags that were evident of her shopping crimes. When her face glazed over from a vision she was having. "Bella did you tell anyone where we were going?" she asked getting out of the vision.

"No, you told Charlie I was staying at your house to finalize wedding plans. Why?" my eyes narrowed a bit as I looked at the evil pixie.

"Because either we are going to crash, or a werewolf is around as our futures just went blank." Suddenly Barbie girl filled the carriage.

Alice grabbed her phone and quickly opened it and started rapidly talking to another vampire. I didn't catch a word of the conversation because of the speed that she was talking.

"Rosalie just called saying that Emmett and her had been at the shopping centre and were over heard talking by Leah." She paused.

"So what did Leah over hear!" I practically cried out, wanting to grab her by the shoulders until she told me.

"Well, they were talking about you being on the train, but she miss understood it for being you and Edward on the train. So she contacted Jacob telling him and he was on his way here."

This was killing me! What would Jacob do? What is it with girls telling a guy about something that I am doing! Ah! I nearly lost Edward that way, and Jacob was already being childish about it all so I have no idea about what he will do!

"And there was something else too, Leah over heard that the other day, not today. Rosalie was just busy with Emmett and forgot to tell us." She said as she returned to plunging through her bags.

That's even worse! Why can't they just be friends? I mean I'm friends with both of them. Sure Edward has his reason to hate Jacob, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't like any of them. Look at the Cullen's and Seth for a perfect example, after fighting together were all great friends.

It has been a little while after Rosalie called and we were now in England, after just coming up from the ocean. Suddenly the train hit something hard but didn't stop, just continued going. Aw the poor animal that must have been hit, but I suppose that when you're traveling at 300km/h you can't stop to see if one animal that you hit is ok. Even if the driver had have see the poor thing he wouldn't have been able to stop in time.

I quickly looked out the window to see what animal had been hit, when I saw torn pants a little bit before in the meadows that surrounded the track along with brown fur I think it is all over the grass closer to the tracks.

"Visions back." Alice said bluntly.


	6. The Black List

***I don****'****t own twilight***

**Here is another chapter people I hope you like it. This one is not so directly lets kill Jacob as it is, lets make fun of death that includes Jacob lol. So these are kind of lists that I thought were funny and I put them in my story, I hope you get a laugh out of them, and yes I assure you that both Jacob and death are associated as much as possible into this chapter lol.**

**Enjoy**

**BTW Jacobs age will vary through this. **

**BPoV**

I was sitting in the lounge room reading over this weeks newspaper where I came across an article about how, all the males of a certain family had the same name. Jacob Black, and incidentally were being killed off, in random acts of homicide and murder. As much as I would hate to admit it, I found it absolutely hilarious.

I was laughing so hard that I alerted Edwards attention, he was wondering why I was in hysterics, so I decided to read out the article for him.

"Jacob Black- La Push, 99 years old, was killed as he crossed the road. He was due to turn 100 the very next day, but crossing the road with his son to go to his own birthday party, his wheelchair was hit by a truck delivering the birthday cake." Edward didn't find that particularly funny, and he scoffed at me.

"Bella, you really shouldn't laugh at other peoples misfortunes, its bad luck" I just brushed off his comment and continued to read.

"okay fine here is the next one" I said with a smile and gesturing for him to take a seat.

"Jacob Black, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, whom he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Elly Black, felt that is she couldn't have dinner, no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Elly Black was given a suspended sentence as the judge said that she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later." I was nearly about to fall out of my chair laughing. This Elly child was well equipped when it came to killing her parents.

"Bella, I don't see why you find this so funny, this little girl killed off her father, and tried to do the very same to her mother, all because she didn't like her parents, discipline methods, do you want our child to be like this?" I looked down at my rapidly swelling belly and sighed.

I guess he was right, it was rude for me to laugh at such a misfortune.

I decided to read along anyway, these many black family members, needed this justice. They were not a very well off family of men.

When Edward saw that I was still reading the article, I knew he was slightly interested at what the next case would be. I could see it in his body language, the way his whole body moved slowly but surely in my direction.

"Edward, would you like me to read it out for you?" I asked sweetly.

"no, no, no, don't be silly love, I don't want to hear about this poor mans family."

"sure you don't hun, sure you don't."

"fine, if you really want to read it to me, then go ahead." I laughed as he put words in my mouth, but decided not to fight it, I would lose anyway.

"Jacob Black, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double barrelled shot gun. Renesmee's (the girlfriends) father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case." oh my gosh.

"wow." that was all I could say.

"um, what are you thinking about this Edward?" I asked, I was a little shocked by the way that this was handled, and I felt that for the enormicity of the situation, it was written too lightly. But that was just my opinion.

"uh, I don't know what to think"

"same here, ill just go onto the nest one."

"are you sure."

"damn right im sure, these are good." Edward just shook his head and gestured for me to continue.

"Jacob Black, 27 years old, was beaten to death by his landlord, for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Watson, clubbed the victim with a toilet seat after he realised how long it had really been since Mr Black had pain his rent"

I really couldn't help the laughter this time, I tried I really did, but the things that some people do because they don't get their money was ridiculous.

I looked over at Edward to see what his reaction was and I could see his shoulders shaking at his attempt to suppress a laugh.

"Edward… are you… laughing?" I said with a smile, I knew he was going to lie to me, but I pressed on.

"pfft no, that was horrible, I was not laughing, I am not that selfish and heartless."

"Mmhmm" I decided to let it go, I had some more appalling murders to read about in the Black family.

"Jacob Black, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after he wandered into a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street, Jacob Black had jumped out in front of them and yelled "Boo!" The troopers thinking that he was a pop out target, fired 67 shots, 40 of them actually hitting the target. He just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report." this I found reasonably.. Well pathetic, I mean, why on earth would a 44 year old man jump out and yell boo in the first place. It didn't make any sense.

"stupid man" Edward mumbled. I laughed and continued reading.

"Jacob Black, 20 years old, was killed by his brother Jake because he talked on the phone too long, Jake clubbed his brother to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed him several times with the broken aerial." I was a little shocked by what I had read and I needed to read it again to see that I had read right.

When I realised that what I had seen was indeed a brother killing his brother because he was on the phone too long. I mean there were times when I wanted to kill my sister Rosalie for taking too long, but I mean come on, actually doing it, that's not very nice.

"Edward what do you think, did you ever come close to killing Jasper because he was taking too long on the phone?"

"not even close." he laughed, and I took that as my motion to continue.

"Jacob Black, Husband to the famous American nuclear scientist Dr. Lisa Simms was killed by his wife after he had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of three months, Lisa substituted Jacob's shaving cream with a uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until he died of radiation poisoning. Although he suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an earlobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check-up." I laughed my head off at this one. Throwing my head back in hysterics.

"who the hell doesn't go to the doctor if your earlobe falls off" and with that I had to hold onto my chair so that I didn't fall off of it, I wanted to have my baby.

"I don't know" Edward said laughing just as hard.

Once I had my composure back I decided to read on.

"Military Nurse Joan Black her two-timing husband by loading his car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Volkswagen Rabbit he was driving was filled with 750kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55-metre deep crater, and 500 metres of missing road."

"wow, that must have been love." Edward said sarcastically, and I couldn't help but laugh at his comment, he was getting more surprised by the second as to what people were doing to their cheating spouses.

"yeah." I said shortly, and continued on.

"Jacob Black, 35 years old, was killed by his neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. His neighbour, Joe Holmes, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Jacob Black would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Holmes was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this, he invited Mr Black over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Black didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as Black walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway."

"that's is some extreme neighbourly hatred." said Edward, and I couldn't help but agree.

"lets never complain about Simon and his noisy power tools" I said laughing and Edward joined in.

Once we were done talking about what not to do to our dear neighbour I decided to read the last one in the article.

" Michael Newton, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard, With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Jacob Black, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Newton then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Black was deceased."

"I don't even want to know what this Jacob Black did wrong" I said with a small laugh. Edward just nodded his head.

"I bet there are a lot of murders out there that were just the result of bad timing, or something like that." Edward said looking deep in thought.

"yeah like a practical joke gone wrong, or right however you wanted to look at it.

"hmm?" Edward asked coming out of his Trance.

"Maybe there isn't that much of a distance between a really bad practical joke and murder. There isn't you know, a really bad practical joke often could end in death. So, at what point do you stop being a practical joker and become a murderer?" I asked

"What, like the second world war?" Edward asked.

"No, but, you know, like accidentally pushing someone off the edge of a cliff, sort of thing, as a practical joke. I mean, that's an extreme version of pushing someone off something." I clarified.

"So is it called a practical joke because you've done something?" Edward said.

"Yes." glad we got that straightened out.

"You've actually practically done something?" or so I thought.

"No, no, no, no, no."

"You've pushed someone over." Edward said.

"Yeah. It's physical humour." maybe he'll understand this time.

"Physical humour, so as opposed to a, um…" Edward said.

"As opposed to a verbal joke, that's why it's called a practical joke." or not.

"No, no, I wasn't thinking verbal joke, no, cos then the difference would be a physical joke and a verbal joke. No, I was thinking, as opposed to a, um, metaphorical joke."

"A metaphorical physical joke, where you do an action that is a metaphor for something funny. No, I don't think so." he really has no clue does he?

"I don't think there is a metaphorical joke is there? Oh, no! A literal joke, that's what I meant, the difference between literal and metaphorical as opposed to between practical.. so there's a practical.."

"There's a practical and an impractical joke." there we go.

"Impractical joke, that's it." Edward said.

"Yeah, an impractical joke, one that's just slightly too burdensome to undertake."

"Hmm. Why are they called practical jokes?"

"Cause they're physical!"

"So why aren't they called physical jokes?" Edward said.

"I don't know! I'm not a linguist."

"Practical Jokes. They always seemed a bit of a leap. I never, I mean, as far as I know, I never played one." Edward said.

"You've never played a practical joke?"

"No, I don't think so." Edward said.

"You've never put a bucket of water.. a bucket full of nails…"

"...over…" Edward said.

"See, that's it: bucket full of water; practical joke, bucket full of razor blades; murder."

"Hmm." Edward said.

"So, it would be quite good to find out at what point it becomes murder, in the eyes of the law. See."

"Ah, as opposed to manslaughter?" Edward said.

"Yes."

"No, but they're doing that now, they're putting a category between murder and manslaughter - practical…" Edward said.

"Practical joke. Practical Joke Murder"

"...because murder was too far away from manslaughter." Edward said.

"Right. But that's not bad, working out the exact point at which a practical joke.."

"No, but they're doing that, they're doing that." Edward said.

"What do you mean they're doing that?!"

"It's part of the Law Commission Review at the moment.." Edward said.

"For Practical Jokes?"

"No! Not practical jokes, but the idea that there's a big gap between murder and manslaughter." Edward said.

"Oh, yeah, that, but it's nothing to do with practical jokes."

"But that must come into it." Edward said.

"That probably does come into it."

"If your defense is that it was a practical joke that went wrong.." Edward said.

"No, no, no, cause manslaughter, you can be done for manslaughter for stabbing someone, that's clearly not a joke."

"Well, but you didn't mean to kill them. Manslaughter is anything where you didn't mean to kill them, right?"

"Yes…"

"'I don't know, we need an advisor." Edward said.

"...but what I'm saying is that if you can be done for manslaughter for stabbing someone there is no practical joke you can ever think of that would end up with a murder conviction because the intention of stabbing someone is much greater than the intention of leaving a sword poking up out of a staircase…"

"I don't think…"

"There's no way anybody would get done for murder for that."

"...not that our legal advisor…"

"They wouldn't get done for anything."

"...not that our legal advisor is here, but I have a feeling that stabbing someone and not meaning to kill them isn't manslaughter.."

"It is manslaughter."

"No, no, it's attempted murder." Edward argued

"No, it's manslaughter. Because if they die, the often get done for manslaughter."

"Really?" he asked sceptically.

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"Like that guy.."

"So there's no point in trying to figure out where practical jokes become murder cause they never will." Edward said.

"That's true. (thinks) No, no, pushing someone off a cliff is murder."

"But what's the difference between that and stabbing them?"

"No, because…"

"Oh! Because you know it's going to kill them" by golly he's got it.

"...because you know that if you push someone off a cliff it'll kill them."

"But only at some deep level, so, maybe there is a point, there is somewhere between the cliff and the bucket of nails?" Edward asked.

"It's how high."

"How high the cliff is."

"You can actually measure it on how high the cliff is; at what point you know the drop will be enough to probably kill them. See, that's it. That's exactly how you work out the difference between a practical joke and.."

"That would be some court case." Edward mumbled.

"It's the height of a cliff."

"Ok."

"It'll be the height of the cliff. I'm pleased with that."

"yeah" Edward said.

"That's one. What else is there?"

"One what?"

"That's one.."

"one what?"

"..Prediction for 2010!"

"a what?"

"a prediction for 2010. Alice said that to have a healthy and fulfilling year, you need to make predictions for the next one, even if it is only march"

"There you go."

"And murders will be rated in cliff height."

"No, no, it's not that. It's the height of the cliff defence." Edward said.

"Ok, so also, the other one will be the, er, the weight of the big black weight thing that you balance on the door. Up to 5 kilos and over 5 kilos it's murder."

"So then it becomes 'The Practical Joke Defence'?"

"Yeah."

"My client didn't know…"

"...that the weight would kill him." Yeah. It was just done as a joke…"

"...he'd seen on television a one ton weight falling.."

"That's it, "He'd been watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon earlier in the week...""

"Yeah, "...where Tom survived several.."

"...and seen Tom survived several one ton weights being dropped on him."

"And didn't realise the one ton weight was hollow."

"Huh?"

"Didn't realise the one ton weight was hollow."

"Yeah, didn't realise it was a drawing."

"Well, yeah, but even the real life ones."

"They did a real life Tom and Jerry?"

"No! You know those sketch shows where they drop a huge one ton.. you know, the old Monty Python's."

"Oh, Yeah. 'He was watching Monty Python and didn't realise the giant foot…'"

"No, not the cartoon, the real one!" Edward said.

"Yeah alright. No, they must've had one where they had a real giant foot falling on them, didn't they?"

"No, I don't think so, feet were too difficult." Edward said.

"The feet were too difficult back then, back in those days."

"Yeah. Well, there's one prediction." Edward said.

"One prediction for 2010."

"hey, I wonder how any of the Black family court cases would have gone with that murder manslaughter law was in place?"

Edward just groaned at the thought of another long discussion on the topic, and walked into the other room.

**Okay so I know that the last conversation was 1 very long and 2 had nothing to do with Jacob being murdered though I found it on the internet and thought it was funny and decided to put it up because it related to the chapter, therefore linked back to Jacob… maybe. Lol anyways **

**Please review. Jess**


	7. Pedophile

**Okay so I am deeply aware that this chapter is incredibly short but so be it, this one was written to get straight to the point, unlike the last one.**

**Enjoy…**

**JacobPOV:**

All i had done was kiss Nessie in public, and yet people got worried because i  
looked like i was 27 and she looked as if she was 14. So what did they do?  
They called the cops on me! i can't believe that! But we had forgotten our  
dating rules that Billy had set down for us to follow. The Cullen's actually  
wanted no dating!

So once the cops were called i was carted of to jail until my trial which was  
yesterday, the judge had given me one of the strictest sentences! All for  
kissing my girlfriend and the one person who i tied me to this earth! Thinking  
back now the Cullen's probably could have helped more then they had. if Nessie  
hadn't pleaded with everyone to save me they more then likely wouldn't have  
helped at all. But they did find me a lawyer when Billy couldn't even afford  
shoes for me.

So here i am, lined up in the too small orange clothing that i was made to  
wear in prison, cuffs around my ankles and hands. Standing in front of a  
firing squad. i don't know which gun held that fatal bullet but then again  
that was the point of these things, so no one feels guilty later.

3

2

..............................................

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

**Well you ask why we had Jacob die because he kissed his girlfriend, whether he was a pedophile or not? Because we said so that's why. He deserves to die and obviously the jury thought so too. **


	8. Jerusalem

**I don't own twilight**

**This is just a short chapter that I wanted to write to thank one person in particular, it may not be that funny, but either way, it is there and I want to thank her for hr generous reviews  
**

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Jaq's father-in-law Jacob died.

With death certificates in hand, Jaq went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the father-in-law told Jaq that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.

The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

Jaq thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your father-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says Jaq. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead!

I just can't take that chance.


	9. Dog Food

**Chapter: Trees are weapons too!**

**Disclaimer: I be not Stephenie Meyer**

**A/N: Hey it's **skittle-cookie-chocolate** (formally **xx-twlight7-xx**) here with another chapter because I am now on school holidays and, to put it bluntly, am bored just a tad.**

**This idea randomly came to me when I was writing one of my own chapters. It's not very long but I still hope you like it.**

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

**Edward POV**

I needed a plan to get Jacob out of the picture. He will NOT take my Bella away from me... again. Granted I was the one that left but come on. I was going through a really bad time. Give me a break.

"Edward you are whining like a fifteen year old girl who thinks the world hates her," Alice yelled at me from downstairs.

I'm not whining, I thought to myself.

"Yes you are!" Rose yelled.

"How do you know what I'm thinking? I'm the mind-reader in this family!"

"You're too predictable Edward, even your thoughts. You're a complainer!" Jasper said.

Is everyone ganging up on me or something? Pick on Edward day?

I bet Jacob is telling them to gang up on me. I don't know how though because he never comes near the house hardly... but... but... HE'S A DOG!

They have their ways.

..Dog.

Now for my master plan; what will entice Jacob to come near the house?

"Alice!" I yelled out to my 'younger' sister.

"What?" she yelled back coming into my room.

"I need your help."

"No I will not tie your shoelaces again," Alice retorted.

I sighed and clenched my razor sharp teeth, "that was one time!" I whined. Okay maybe I do whine a tad.

"Okay what do you want help with?" Alice asked.

"I want Jacob out of the picture," I evil laughed. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Alice looked at me up and down, "What the hell Edward?"

"I don't know. I just feel the need to burn things."

"Neither you and I said anything about burning things," Alice looked at me like I was insane. Maybe I was. Do insane people know they are insane?

"My mind did," I said with a straight face.

"Whatever. Let's think up a plan. However, you will be the one to do it. I've already been convicted for blowing up the toilets at the mall three years ago," Alice said.

I remember that. Twas amusing because it made me laugh for five minutes. That's a record!

Alice thought of something, "Wait... what about Bella? I don't think she would be happy that Jacob would be dead."

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," I replied.

"We're at a bridge now," Alice said. I looked at my surroundings. When the hell did we leave the house and begin walking around the property?

"So we are," I concluded.

"Let's get down to planning," Alice reminded me.

"Okay. What shall I do?"

Alice thought for a moment then suddenly sprung up in the air, "Got it." Alice began to tell me her idea in her mind as I read her thoughts.

MIND READING ABILITIES AHOY!

----

**Jacob POV**

I am bored. Nothing interesting is happening in La Push today. The other werewolves were out investigating some new dog treats that were produced last week.

My dad was out with Bella's dad during their fortnightly fishing trip. They catch lots of fish... it makes for a really nice dinner.

I know what I could do... stalk Bella! That is an idea and a half. Why didn't I think of this earlier? Oh right... probably because I was smelling the shirt that I have of Bella's. It's purple, my favourite colour on her. The bloodsucker prefers blue on her. I mean... what the fuck?

Purple is one of the colours made for royalty and Bella is royalty in my eyes. Oh wait... blue is also considered a royal colour. Damn it!

I'm better!

Going back to my idea. She would probably be at the house occupied by the bloodsucker and his 'family' who are all going out with each other.

So... I will get close to the house, circle it to see who is around. They all smell like vampire to me but they have distinct vampire smells.

The pixie smells like Prada, the blonde bitch smells like beauty products, the doctor smells like medicine, his wife smells like pancakes, the constipated one smells like Texas, the big one smells like cars and_ Edward_ smells like Bella, and I hate him for it.

Mkay. Now I'm at the boundary of their property.

Hang on... what's that I smell?

DOG FOOD!

I MUST SEEK OUT THIS SMELL!

I began to jog towards the dog food, letting my nose take over. Even in human form I have an excellent sense of smell.

In the distance I saw a doggy bowl full of dog food sitting on the grass with a big red X spray painted under it.

Suspicious?

Nope not at all!

I walked over to the dog food, got on all fours began to eat the delectable food.

I'm in heaven!

As I was eating I could hear a distinct chewing noise. It sounded like a beaver eating a tree.

I turned to my left to see what the noise actually was, and all I saw was a REALLY big tree falling. It was going to squish and kill me.

Then it hit me.

All I could hear was the bloodsucker's evil laughter.

He ate through a tree?

Then it all went blank.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**A/N: I've been told about the last chapter I wrote: Someone said that technically Jacob did not die but if you think about it logically he did. Who could survive in the abyss known as Alice's closet without food, water, light or SPACE? No human... or werewolf can.**

**So sorry for the end of that chapter if it confused you.**

**Now show your hatred for Jacob by reviewing this chapter!**


	10. Stab Him And Cut Out His Throat

Odile's bleach blond hair was stained scarlet, making the birds nest clump together as it dripped with blood onto her wide shoulders, while she ate her dinner, formally known as Hadi Mc Largen.

Sure she loved hands and feet for dinner –which from her observations were just like chicken wings– but the mess was a pain to clean up! The blood would go everywhere and she would have to bleach her hair that night which stung like hell!

Her pupils in her dark brown eyes –that if court in the right light looked ebony– seemed to dilate as she started on a manicured pointer finger. Sucking all most all of the A positive blood out of it, from where it had been severed just after the knuckle. A positive was her favorite type of blood, through her parents could never seem to tell what the different blood tasted like, all they cared about is whether they could have there wine.

Letting her thoughts wonder –as her teeth racked the ringer for more succulent meat- she couldn't help but remember how much fun she had had when shopping for there dinner. Like everyone else shopping was just another thing you had to do in life to survive, but this time they had gone to a different supermarket. Normally Odile and her mother would go out on a Friday night and pretend to be prostitutes, get a guy to pick them up, then tell him about a house where they can go. But little to the mans knowledge her father would be waiting there to kill them. While telling the man about the house she would joke around and call it the S House, but it wasn't S for slut like the man thought it was, it was S for slaughter. The house was an old redbrick at the end of a street with modern houses making it stand out more. No one could see into the house as it had thick curtains covering the dirty windows that looked like they hadn't been cleaned in years. To them it would function almost like a butcher's shop, in the way they would go and pick the meat they wanted for the week. No, this time there had been no prostitutes, but had consisted of her constantly begging her parents to kill the queen of all bitches ever since she had started school, only giving into her 10 years later. They had gone shopping on there normal Friday night, following her to some party, where she had gotten wasted and stumbled out thinking that Odile was one of her friends, there to helping her home. She highly doubted that anyone had seen her with Hadi, as everyone else was also extremely drunk. Leading Hadi to her parent's car a few streets away finally arriving after 2am after stopping3 times to puke.

It did feel good to finally be rid of the person who had always teased her about her flat chest and Y body shape, comparing it to her X body shape and big boobs –that Odile suspected were implants–. But she was unsure what way of shopping was worse she put the finger bone down on her plat before licking her sausage like fingers clean. Tomorrow she would have haggis for lunch, while sitting in her normal place in the yard, listening to Hadi's friends wonder where she was and why she adn't called them.

Odile moved to the U.S after police had given the chair to her parents as soon as their trial finished and they had been convicted of murder. Which was highly unfair in Odile's views as people kill to eat all the time, what was any different from them killing to farmers killing cows? She had moved to a little town in Washington called Port Angela's because she had come across some news of people raping and killing girls, so what a good place for her to make her new home, she could do the area a public service by cleaning up the streets. While buying some books for school, she overheard two girls talking.

"He is such a stalker Bella, why you haven't asked you dad to have a restraining order put on him is a wonder, I mean he is the chief of forks."

A kind voice said in the other side of a shelf of books.

"Ang, you know Charlie would never do that to his friend's son, no matter how annoying he is. Why he can't just leave Edward and me alone I don't know. He knows that we are engaged and all!"

This sounded like the perfect person for Odile's next weekly meal. Later that day she drove to Forks and hung out around the police station to follow the Chief of Police home. She thought were else to find a creepy stalker but the stalkee's house. She didn't have to wait long for Charlie to come out and while she waited to make sure that she didn't look suspicious she pretended to look at some maps. It was easy to follow the car as it was a small town and you didn't get stopped much. She would have to think very hard about how she was going to take this guy out of the picture if he was the son of a friend of a policeman. She pondered all of the different tactics while she walked back up the road in a small woods area that looked like it was cutting the back of the chief's property.

I didn't have to wait long until I herd a noise approaching me. I quickly pulled my butchers knife out and lunged at the person. There was a streak of white and someone holding me in strong arms and they had my knife in hand.

"Who are you?" They growled quietly.

"What does it matter?" I spat out in reply.

"Because I want to know why some strange girl is hanging around my betrothed's house." He had an old style of talking like someone from the early 1900's.

"Are you that Jacob guy?" I asked

"No. Why do you want Jacob and why would you think he would be here?" he asked, but before I could answer he spoke again.

"Oh, no I'm definitely not Jacob but if you hang around here for another five minutes you'll be sure to find him. He will either be a big wolf or a Native American boy around 16. He might heal fast so you'll want to stab him a few times then cut his  
neck to make sure he really is dead."

I didn't get a chance to question this strange person farther as to why he would be a wolf but I stayed like he told me to and sure enough a native American boy arrived a few minutes latter. I was perched up and a tree at the time and sent the butchers knife flying down at his back. Jumping down I grabbed the knife and stabbed him a fear few more times and cut his neck just like the other guy had told me to. I tied rope around his legs and started to drag him of to my car.


	11. Killer To Assassin

**This was an excerpt from my new story Assassins Inc. Check it out...**

'' Where are you going, Bella?''

_Caught._

Bella winced to herself.

'' Nowhere,'' she said innocently.

'' Then why do you have that pack on your back? Off to see your 'orphanage friends' again?'' her father spoke the words harshly, with more than a little scorn.

Bella hissed in annoyance. She disliked the way her father never took her things seriously.

_If only you knew_…she thought to herself.

'' Well...''

'' I thought we said you weren't to go out, Isabella,'' said her father, cutting off the sentence.

'' Why?''

'' You know why—''

'' Because it's dangerous at night? With people like you running around, I'm sure it is,'' the words slipped out before she could stop them. She groaned.

'' What?'' her 'father' breathed.'' What did you just say to me?''

Bella wondered how to phrase it nicely.

'' Erm...''

'' Yes?'' hate and fury now were pronounced so clearly Bella wondered how she'd missed them the past few months.

'' Well, to put it bluntly…'' Bella bit her lip. Blunt was going to be harsh.'' Well…you know how you said you were going to look after me and all in when you took me from the orphanage..?''

''I know that part quite well,'' his words were acid. Bella took that as a bad omen...she didn't like chemistry.

''Well…you know how at the orphanage you said you wanted to take care of a child so badly you didn't care what she was like, you would handle her?''

''I remember that part distinctly as well,'' said Jacob Black, Bella's so-called 'sweet' foster parent.

''Ah, well, that was a bit of a mistake,'' said Bella with a sympathetic smile.

Jacob's confused expression was still fixed on his face long after Bella raised her gun and shot him with it...

''Sorry!'' was all Bella could say. After all, killer to assassin, it had been a long time coming.

**Okay so this chapter was majorly short and i know that... I'm sorry, just thought i would give you something to read while i get my act together with this story.**

** i also have another new on called 'The Breakdown Lane' check em out**

**Jess**


	12. Newspaper Bella

In the early morning hours of September 13, 2007, Jacob "Jake" Black left an office party just outside Cleveland, Ohio, and was never seen alive again. Nearly 24 hours later, he was found in the trunk of his car, beaten and shot to death.

Who killed this husband and father? Correspondent Susan Spencer reports.

Quil Black remembers the day he learned of his bothers disappearance. "I think it was a Thursday. My wife answered the phone, 'Hey, we've got an emergency, Jacob is missing.'"

Quil jumped in his car and began searching for his brother, fearing the worst. Hours later, he headed to a parking lot where, from the corner of his eye, he spotted his brothers Toyota Camry. He dialed 9-1-1.

Quil had no keys, but used a pipe wrench to shatter the car's window.

"I reached into the trunk latch and pulled up on that," Quil remembers. Then he saw his brother.

"Jake! He's in the God-damned trunk!," he told the 9-1-1 dispatcher. "He's cold."

The death of his brother still haunts Quil. "It's been like two and a half years. I miss her a lot. Still miss her."

**The Family**  
Investigators believe Jacob Black was murdered in his own home by his Wife. "We firmly believe she killed her husband," says Cuyahoga County Prosecutor William Mason.

That belief is partially based on blood evidence. "We found a trail of Jacobs blood. It started in the master bedroom, through the laundry room, into the garage," says Detective Timothy Robinson.

After the death, the detective says Mrs. Black made several changes in the home. "Anything that Isabella Black thought she got blood on, she altered. She got either rid of it or changed it, painted it or threw it out."

Black's daughter Vanessa says she was home that night but didn't see or hear anything out of the ordinary. And she believes in her mother's innocence.

Indicted for murdering Jacob, 53, Isabella Black has always maintained her innocence. "My life since my husbands death has stopped. It's like I'm in a twilight zone," Black says.

Two juries had deliberated Black's guilt or innocence but both trials ended in hung juries. Now, a third jury was being selected.

Jacob Black was murdered on September 13 2007 in suburban Cleveland, where she and Jake had raised their three kids.

"Jacob? He was always smiling, always helping people out. Growing up, he was a tough act to follow, he was so good," recalls his brother Quil who with his sibling Embry portrayed the Black's as a tight-knit clan.

Leah Black adds that Jake was the perfect brother-in-law. "Whenever you needed something, Jake knew either how to do it, how to get it or who to ask," she says, adding "We used to call this family the Waltons."

By 2006, the couple's oldest son Jake Jnr. was married; middle son Jason, a Marine, was in the Middle East; and daughter Vanessa was away at college.

The Black house was empty and Jake and Bella were alone but hardly together. "It was as if they just had developed different lives," says Sharon.

Jake worked long hours at his garage and, when not there, was often out on the water, sailing.

Bella, meanwhile, loved people and reveled in her part-time job, managing concession stands at Cleveland's busy convention hall, the IX Center.


	13. Bunny Impalement

JPOV:

God i loved running carefree throught the forest, well with one exception, i still hadn't told bella that i was a wolf, and there is also the problem that i didn't want this life.

"Jake, shut it! we dont care about your soap opra life." paul mentally snapped at me.  
which was another thing i hated

"Jacob! SHUT UP" the whole pack yelled at me.  
really my life is anything but carefree, now that i really think about it.

"Jacob! do i have to inforce my alpha command to make you shut up?"

No.

"Good"

So running through the forest i couldn't help but think of a childrens song

Little Bunny Foo Foo,  
Hopping through the forest  
Scooping up the field mice  
And boppin' 'em on the head

Down came the fairy and she said

"Little Bunny Foo Foo,  
I don't want to see you  
Scooping up the field mice  
And boppin' 'em on the head.  
I'll give you three chances,  
And if you don't behave  
I'll turn you into a boo!"

Little Bunny Foo Foo,  
Hopping through the forest  
Scooping up the field mice  
And boppin' 'em on the head

Down came the fairy and she said

"Little Bunny Foo Foo,  
I don't want to see you  
Scooping up the field mice  
And boppin' 'em on the head.  
I'll give you two more chances,  
And if you don't behave  
I'll turn you into a boo!"

Little Bunny Foo Foo,  
Hopping through the forest  
Scooping up the field mice  
And boppin' 'em on the head

Down came the fairy and she said

"Little Bunny Foo Foo,  
I don't want to see you  
Scooping up the field mice  
And boppin' 'em on the head.  
I'll give you one more chance,  
And if you don't behave  
I'll turn you into a boo!"

Little Bunny Foo Foo,  
Hopping through the forest  
Scooping up the field mice  
And boppin' 'em on the head

Down came the fairy and she said

"Little Bunny Foo Foo,  
I don't want to see you  
Scooping up the field mice  
And boppin' 'em on the head.  
I gave you three chances  
And you didn't behave  
Now you're a boo!"

"Jacob..." paul was just about to go off at me when i lept over a ridge that i had thought was smaller and had jumped over before, but recent rain had made a mad slide and left a huge log sticking up.

Paul's POV:

We all saw it though his eyes and Sam's who was running to the side and behind Jacob. Jacob was impailed on the log that was very solidly sticking up out of the ground, his organs punched right through to the other side.

"Well at least he shut up."


	14. Romeo and Rat Poison

**Okay guys, heres another one, and for this one and the last one we have Jaqs-Out-Punching-Werewolves**

**Review**

JPOV:

I was so excited to be playing Romeo. Normaly I hated plays and acting, however, I would get a chance to kiss bella. A series of unfortunate events had also given me a grand idea too. i had paid a minister from a couple of towns over to be Father Lawerance and to make the wedding offical. It had cost me a small fortune but it was all worth it to have bella as mine. The best part was that because she was 18 i didn't have to get charile's concent to let me marry her!

We were now wedd and I was weaping for bella in the mosoleam scene. I had a fight with paris coming up and then all I had to do was to drink the _poison_ which was really water and that was the end of the play for me.

Mike came out and we fought, both of us going at it a little too much to impress Bella, even when her eyes were closed, and the fact that she was already _mine_ I was ready to prove my claim to her. After far too long and what should have been many deadly blows, Newton decided to die.

I recited my lines to Bella and brought the vial of _poison_ to my lips and drank.

BPOV:

I awoke on cue and said my lines before "killing" myself with the dagger.

At the end of the play everyone was standing around Jacob and I went to see what it was about. he was still acting and we all needed to go back out and take our final bow.

"Jacob get up, we have to go and bow." I nudged him, but he didn't respond.

Quill came and dumped a bucket of water on him and still nothing.

"someone call a doctor" Ang called.

Sometime later the doctor arrived and announced his death. Feeling numb I walked out the back and ran into something solid. Stumbling back two cold hands shot out to steady me. Looking up I saw the face of an angel, Edward. Wrapping my arms around him I didn't care if he was real or not, I let him lead me over to the car I missed. I was so happy he returned I finaly decided as I smelt inside his car when he placed me in the front seat.

"don't leave me" I mumbled to him as we drove off.

"bella, I never ment to hurt you, but I also hurt myself. I will never ever leave your side again unless you wish it. I'll be in you room." he said before kissing me and coming to open the car door for me, like he always used to.

As I was getting out of the car, something caught my eye.

"Rat poision?" I asked him in a puzzled tone

"There is a huge infestation at the moment. Alice wanted the 'Pest' gone"

He smiled at me and we continued to the house.


End file.
